Coupling
by Jonoishere
Summary: Based on Coupling and Abosultely Fabulous, the sexual misadventures are replaced with Harry Potter characters that really want to find love. Stars Harry, Ron, Oliver, Katie, Hermione, and Ginny. R/R
1. Vulnerable Women, Part 1

COUPLING- With the Characters of Harry Potter  
  
Author's NoTe!  
  
This is my new fan fiction, a cross of the British shows Coupling and Absolutely Fabulous: Two of my  
  
favorite shows and they don't even play in America hehe.   
  
There are six characters like in Coupling, Harry, Oliver, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Katie. They will go  
  
through regular "adventures" every week... usually sexual. They are wizards still, don't worry.  
  
This is just a story to kind of get away from the hype of The War of Dumbledore's Army, my other  
  
story... which is getting great reviews... so maybe you should read!   
  
Each chapter is a story with a beginning and end to it.  
  
Beware, these chapters are strictly R. Strong sexuality and lots of language. Over thirteen please.  
  
In this first chapter, Katie convinces Harry to be her date to an art exhibit to make Ron jealous.  
  
Unfortunately, Hermione has used Ron as a date and has done the same thing. I was aiming for  
  
something really funny in a sexual way. Please review! :)  
  
****************************************  
  
Chapter One- Vulnerable Women   
  
"Hermione, tell me something," Ginny Weasley said, as they walked down the streets of  
  
London at night time. "How was Harry? When you dated him... was he nice and sweet? Was he good?   
  
Stuff like that?"  
  
Hermione laughed and pushed he hair behind her ears. "He was more than good."   
  
Ginny giggled. "So, where are we going anyways?"  
  
"A new bar has opened up called The Icing here in Muggle London. Were meeting everyone  
  
there."  
  
They stopped at a square building with neon lights around the edges. A sign flashed the word,  
  
'Open' on the front. A staircase led down to the entrance, right next to them. They walked down it,  
  
and opened the door at the end. It was a brilliant place. Lots of people talking... lots of drinks... no  
  
biker men.   
  
Harry, Oliver, and Ron were sitting around a small coffee table, talking. Hermione and Ginny  
  
made their way over to them and took off their coats to put them on the edge of a lounge chair.  
  
"Talking about lesbians?" Ginny asked. "I still don't see how men get a kick out of crap like  
  
that."  
  
"It's not the fact that's two women, Ginny," Oliver spoke. "It's the fact that's it's  
  
entertainment... when you are lonely."  
  
"Well you obviously two brains in your body. One in your head and one down below,"  
  
Hermione pointed and sat down next to Harry.  
  
"Isn't Katie coming?" Harry asked, keeping an eye on the doorway.  
  
"She was supposedly bringing some date..." Hermione trailed off.  
  
"Who?" Ron asked at once, taking a sip of his beer.  
  
"That man... erm– Keith."  
  
"Keith! Ohh! He's is a hunk," Ginny said and licked her lips as she took a sip of Oliver's coffee.  
  
"Thanks for asking," Oliver replied to her action.  
  
At that moment, Katie walked through the door with a man following behind her.  
  
"Hello kids!" Katie said and kissed Hermione and Ginny on the cheeks. "This is Keith... my  
  
boyfriend," she eyed Ron and then bent down to whisper into Hermione's ear. "It's too bad that he's  
  
better in bed than Ron."  
  
These six people, who were all talking to each other, were friends, not including Keith. They  
  
have all participated in an interesting love triangle... well not exactly triangle.   
  
You see, Katie went out with Ron who dumped her, who then went out with Hermione.  
  
Hermione, thinking that Ginny was getting angry at both of them dating, dumped Ron and went to  
  
Harry. They are no longer with each other.  
  
Oliver dated Katie for a short time and dumped her. Easy to understand?   
  
Ron Weasley is a man who constantly tells Oliver that sex is the new light of the world. He  
  
owns a shop in Diagon Alley.  
  
Harry Potter is a man who is still hung over about Hermione, and cannot get enough of her.  
  
He works at the Ministry of Magic.  
  
Oliver Wood plays on a Quidditch team and would like to have sex with Ginny one more time  
  
before he dies.  
  
Hermione Granger is a smart woman who works as second to the Minister of Magic. She is  
  
NOT hung over about Harry anymore.  
  
Ginny Weasley works at Gringotts Bank as a teller and funds adviser. She uses Oliver for his  
  
money until she actually falls in love, which is when she dumps him.  
  
Katie Bell is a Quidditch shop owner in Diagon Alley who thinks she is bisexual when she goes  
  
out with men that are gay.  
  
They are all wizards and work closely together. They are also all in their thirties.  
  
Back to the story–  
  
Katie sat Keith down in a different chair opposite the couch.  
  
"Keith works at a news station! Isn't that fabulous?" Katie said and kissed Keith on the cheek.  
  
"Who are you?" Keith asked.  
  
Katie's grin dropped. Ron started to snicker.  
  
"I'm your girlfriend remember?"  
  
"You just grabbed me on the street! You told me you were going to fuck me."  
  
"Damn you! Get out!" she yelled and pushed Keith. He jumped up and grabbed his coat and  
  
hurried out of the building. Katie plopped down in the chair and took out a cigarette.  
  
"Not over Ron? Need someone to make him jealous?" Oliver asked Katie with a laugh as she  
  
took a puff of the cigarette.  
  
"Oh screw off Oliver," Ginny snapped.  
  
"It's fine, it's fine," Katie said. "I've gotten use to his petty remarks by now," Katie snapped  
  
and grabbed his coffee and took a sip. Oliver looked offended when she put out her cigarette in his  
  
java.  
  
"Oops," she said innocently and baby-like.  
  
"Anyhow, we weren't talking about lesbians," Ron said. "We were talking about going to an art  
  
exhibit!"  
  
"An art exhibit? Oh please," Hermione said. "It's just an attempt for you idiots to meet  
  
woman..."  
  
"Vulnerable women, might I add," Oliver contributed.  
  
"Let me guess, Harry, your going to this?" Hermione ruptured. Harry nodded his head.  
  
"Were not going out anymore. Who cares?" he replied. Hermione shook her head vigorously in  
  
disappointment.  
  
"Let boys be boys!" Katie said loudly. "That has always been my motto! If they want to watch  
  
porn during sex, let them! They will regret it eventually, because intercourse is not the same when  
  
watching sluts on the telly."  
  
"Right," Ginny said, completely ignoring Katie's absurd comment. "If you guys go to this art  
  
exhibit, then I am coming. We can't let little Oliver get out of hand, can we?"  
  
"Don't worry, mum. I can take care of myself," Oliver shot back.  
  
"I am coming then. There's nothing better to do at night," Katie said. "When is it?"  
  
"Tomorrow night," Ron said. "We meet at Harry's loft."  
  
  
  
The next night, Harry tidied up his large apartment before everyone arrived at six thirty. The  
  
doorbell rang early though... around six o'clock, and Harry answered it, to find Katie.  
  
"Hello!" she said. "Sorry I'm late!"  
  
Harry checked his watch. "It's five minutes until six."  
  
"Thanks! I would be delighted to come in," Katie said, pushing Harry out of the way and  
  
entering his kitchen.  
  
"Did you come early on purpose?" Harry questioned her as he took her cigarette out of her  
  
mouth and threw it away. Katie, looking thunderstruck, took off her jacket.  
  
"Ah, yes– you see, I have a bit of a favor to ask of you..." Katie trailed off.   
  
"What do you need?" Harry asked.  
  
"I was wondering... would you be my boyfriend to this exhibit– just to make Ron jealous?"  
  
Katie crossed her legs and ran a finger down towards her breast seductively.  
  
"Oh for God's sakes! No!" Harry said disgustingly. "And stop seducing me!"  
  
"Dammit!" Katie yelled. "You owe me a favor!"  
  
"From when?" Harry inquired.  
  
"Remember that time... when you were lonely?"  
  
—Flashback—  
  
  
  
"I think you feel lonely," Katie said as she cornered Harry.  
  
"I am... I mean, Hermione is gone. I have no one," Harry cried and he reached for a tissue  
  
box. Katie slapped his hand away.  
  
"I like a man who cries," she said.  
  
Harry looked at her.  
  
"Do you want a present, Harry?" Katie posed.  
  
Harry shook his head eagerly.  
  
"You will owe me one," Katie told him and she unbuttoned his shirt sensually.  
  
"Do whatever you want to me!" Harry yelled and pushed Katie onto his bed. Next thing he  
  
knew, they were naked... devouring themselves into a sex romp.  
  
—Present Day—  
  
  
  
"Ohhh!!!" Harry began. "THAT favor... well, fine. Your putting me in a hard position..."  
  
"Hard?" Katie asked. "Interesting–"  
  
"Not like that! God, do you know you're a huge whore?"   
  
"Yes," Katie said simply. "Yes I do."  
  
Thirty minutes later, Ron arrived (which was good, since there was an awkward silence  
  
between Katie and Harry), carrying a bottle of cherry bubbly.   
  
"Why do you have that?" Harry asked him curiously.  
  
"Haven't you heard mate? Recent studies shows if you get a woman drunk, she is more likely  
  
to give into you."  
  
Katie was listening and got up from her seat.  
  
"My God Ron... I haven't ever been so insulted. Woman don't give in because of a bottle of  
  
champagne! They give in because they want you!"  
  
Hermione appeared by Ron, who was still standing outside Harry's apartment.  
  
"Okay, in the apartment, out of the hallway," Harry said and beckoned them all inside.  
  
Katie suddenly started touching Harry's chest in front of Ron.  
  
"Ron... Harry is my new boyfriend," Katie said out of nowhere.  
  
"Is she paying you, Harry?" Ron asked curiously as he got a coca cola out of Harry's  
  
refigerator.  
  
"We are SERIOUS," Katie said and began to kiss Harry's neck. Harry was beginning to get  
  
aroused, and quickly grabbed Ron's wine bottle and placed it below his waist.  
  
"Time for bubbly?" Harry asked nervously, with a slight shake to his whole body.  
  
"Nonsense!" Ginny said as she entered the room through the open door. "We must get going!  
  
The exhibit starts in ten minutes!"  
  
Oliver entered right after her, wearing a tight tee that said 'Love me, Love me' on it.  
  
Ron gaped at this and the bubbly uncorked, making white fizz fly into the air as Harry tried to  
  
cap it with his hand.  
  
"Yes, yes– must be going now," Katie said. "Grab my coat, slave," she snapped at Harry.  
  
"We'll fuck later."  
  
Harry looked at her with a look of sexual wanting/desire and a look of Oh-My-Lord-I-Wish-  
  
You-Were-Dead, which resulted in a deformed expression on his face.  
  
  
  
They all loaded Harry's Mercedes and drove off about ten blocks, into the heart of London,  
  
where an art exhibit was gathering swarming crowds outside a museum  
  
"VULNERABLE WOMAN!!" Oliver yelled excitedly.   
  
"First rule, men– Do not shout obscene words! The woman will get all offended and tell you to  
  
shag a man... and then you get horny. Erg." Ron advised.  
  
Hermione slapped him in the head. "There ARE woman in this car!"  
  
"What kind of words are you going to yell?" Katie asked strangely. "The ones you yell when  
  
you have sex?"  
  
Ron stared at her with loathing and Oliver turned to him.  
  
"What kind of words does he say?" Oliver asked.  
  
"Oh believe me, I would never give out that kind of information. Only for money!"  
  
Oliver dug for his wallet. "How much!?"  
  
"One hundred pounds. Take it or leave it," Katie said and took out a cigarette. Harry snatched  
  
it from her again.  
  
"Honey! Do you want a screwing tonight or not? Give me my fag back!" Katie said and began  
  
to touch his thigh, which escalated to a much more private area.  
  
Harry gave her back her "fag." Hermione looked at her hand and let out a noise of frustration.  
  
"Figures! A guy gets a good shag for giving a cigarette! At least I'm not a tart like this bitch!"  
  
she said and pointed furiously at Katie.  
  
"Hermione!" Ginny shrieked.  
  
"What!? I have a right to be pissed! Besides... I-I- have...a boyfriend, right now!" She  
  
grabbed Ron's arm, who looked taken aback. "Sexy, steaming Ron here!"  
  
"Me?" he said stupidly.  
  
"Yes, YOU..." Hermione said and nudged him. "Silly... Ron– always playing that game where  
  
he pretends he doesn't know me... and then he tackles me and acts like he's helpless and we confess  
  
our love for each other. After all, it is in a day's work isn't it? You should know, Katie!"  
  
Katie threw her cigarette out the window and opened the car door. "Let's just go inside, shall  
  
we?"  
  
"Yes, very well," Harry said hurriedly and exited the car.  
  
They entered the art museum, and much to Ron's dismay, he remembered the bubbly had  
  
uncorked at Harry's apartment.  
  
"Lot's of pressure on it," Harry made up when Ron asked him how it happened.  
  
"You weren't even squeezing it!" Ron replied and then turned to Oliver. "Why the bloody hell  
  
are you wearing that shirt!?"  
  
Oliver looked down. "Girls love that song from No Doubt... that rocking American band, you  
  
know?"  
  
"I've heard of No Pout," Katie said absent-mindedly.   
  
"No Doubt, Katie. Did you like their music?"  
  
"Not very much," Katie began. "If you ask me, I think the lead singer is a bit of a–" She made  
  
a siren noise, "–lesbo if you know what I mean."  
  
An old lady looked shockingly at Katie when she said this.   
  
"Oh for Christ's sakes you old bag, don't pretend you don't know what a freaking lesbian is!"  
  
The old lady shrugged at a man's sleeve and he turned around. Katie stared at him in awe. It  
  
was a tall, handsome man...   
  
"Yes, mother?" he asked her. Katie tripped on the stairs up to the door and fell down. The  
  
man helped her up.  
  
"Go on Harry!" Katie called. "Tonight!! Remember!"  
  
Ron glared at her and then whispered to Hermione. "Are we supposed to be going out?"  
  
"Yes, yes– hold my hand!" They clasped their hands together. Harry looked at them both. He  
  
was not mad at Ron, but merely at Hermione, who had lured his best friend into commitment.  
  
"Run as fast as you can," Harry thought about saying, but his thoughts were disturbed when  
  
they reached the ticket counter of the museum.  
  
"How many?" the man asked.  
  
"Six," Harry replied and got six blue tickets, and entered a museum of beautiful women.  
  
  
  
  
  
* * * * * *  
  
SORRY to end it there! I had to go on a walk with my dad. I'll be back at around 11:30 to upload it to  
  
the web. The rest will be continued when I upload it tomorrow or so, after I finish chapter 22 of The  
  
War of Dumbledore's Army!  
  
Thanks for reading and HOPEFULLY reviewing. 


	2. Vulnerable Women, Part 2

AuThoR's Note-  
  
Erg, I do not at all want to continue my other story, I think I wrote too much in too fast of time. Hehe.  
  
Unfortunately, I have to in order to please everyone. But instead, I'm working on this!!  
  
Rated R, Strong Sexuality, Strong Language, and other bad things, once again!!  
  
* * * * * * * * *   
  
CHAPTER ONE- Part Two  
  
Vulnerable Women  
  
They entered the museum, which was busy with many people, discussing art and  
  
entertainment.  
  
Oliver eyed a girl in a corner, looking at a sculpture of David from Michelangelo. He crept over  
  
to her and pretended to be examining the piece of work also.  
  
"His body is perfect," Oliver said without interest. The woman looked at him peculiarly.  
  
"Are you gay?" she asked boldly.  
  
"No, why would you think that?" Oliver replied, offended.  
  
"Well, firstly, you can't take your eyes off his crotch. And number two, you think his body is  
  
perfect. Number three, you are wearing a shirt with a song name from No Doubt."  
  
The lady strutted off, her short skirt flowing back and forth.   
  
"No Doubt is a good band!" Oliver called out.  
  
Katie came prancing through the doors looking extremely angry.  
  
"That bastard is gay! All the hot men must be gay!" Katie said irritably at Harry.  
  
"I'm not gay and I'm hot," Harry joked and Katie gave him a look of disgust.  
  
"Don't kid yourself, darling," she said and took out a cigarette. Harry, once again took it out of  
  
her mouth.  
  
"No smoking in a museum, Katie," he reminded her.   
  
"That's my fucking third cigarette wasted in a day! I'm going through stress right now!"  
  
"I'm so sorry. On a lighter note, aren't you supposed to be making Ron jealous?" Harry asked  
  
and pointed to Hermione, who was hugging Ron, and looking very forced.  
  
"Kiss me," Katie demanded and grabbed Harry.  
  
"What–? Why!?" Harry said.  
  
"Kiss me, damn you!" She pulled Harry right to her lips and they began to kiss intimately.  
  
Hermione noticed this and did the same thing to Ron.  
  
Katie pulled away from Harry and looked at him in a weird sort of way... half-way between  
  
'I'm so happy, I made Ron jealous' and 'God, your hot, let's have sex, right here, right now.'  
  
Harry settled on the second one though, as Katie dragged him off to the ladies restrooms.  
  
"Can you believe them!?" Hermione said angrily. "Kissing to make us jealous?"  
  
"Well, were doing the same thing," Ron pointed out.  
  
"No were not! Our kissing is meaningless."  
  
"It is?" Ron asked.  
  
"You weren't expecting sex were you? What do you want from me?"  
  
"You dragged me into this! So the question is, what do YOU want from me?" Ron spoke  
  
sharply.  
  
"What do I want? Well I am trying to make Katie jealous by pretending I'm going out with  
  
you!" Hermione explained.  
  
A person walked up to them at that moment.  
  
"Hello! My name is Charlie. I'm just looking to start up a conversation of interest about this  
  
painting here... the ones with the pastel boats."  
  
Hermione looked at him. "Were busy."  
  
"Nonsense! You can't be busy at an art exhibit!" Charlie said gleefully. Hermione ignored him  
  
and went back to talking to Ron.  
  
"Anyways, they are probably in that bathroom right now having sex–" She was interrupted  
  
though.  
  
"These pastels are amazing!" Charlie said as he touched the painting. "What do you think of  
  
them?"   
  
"I think I could shove a pastel up your ass, buddy. That's what I think," Hermione snarled at  
  
him. Charlie rounded on her with surprise on his face.  
  
"Oh, I already get pastels shoved up my butt, if you know what I mean," Charlie laughed and  
  
winked. Ron almost threw up as he grabbed Hermione and took off.  
  
"Wait! Aren't we going to talk?" Charlie called.  
  
Ginny sat on a bench, thoroughly having a boring time. She was analyzing the butt of a man  
  
standing in front of her.   
  
"He has better ass than any man I've seen," she thought in her head. "Perfectly round... firm.  
  
No muscle twitching, that's a first. Doesn't look like any cellulite." The man turned around and walked  
  
off. "Oh wait, that's a woman," Ginny thought embarrassingly.   
  
Oliver sat down next to her.  
  
"Any luck?" Ginny asked him.  
  
"This shirt is annoying. It's departed over five women so far."  
  
"Ah, well– I would be scared too if a man walked up to me wearing a shirt that said 'Love me,  
  
Love me' on it."  
  
"Well that just shows that women are not open-minded!" Oliver retorted.   
  
"Are you kidding me?" Ginny asked and started to snicker. "Women are much smarter than  
  
men, thank you very much."  
  
"How do you know?" Oliver asked.  
  
Ginny looked around and found a sensible looking man. "I am going to go up to that man and  
  
ask him if he has a girlfriend. When I am done–" Ginny looked for a reasonable looking woman, "then  
  
you will go up to her and ask her if she has a boyfriend. We will see who asks it better."  
  
Oliver cordially agreed and Ginny got up to walk over to the man. He noticed her and smiled.  
  
"Do you like this work from VanGogh?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Ah, yes... even if he was a trouble young man."  
  
Ginny laughed a bit. "Do you by any chance have a girlfriend?"  
  
The man looked at her. "Well, no... no I don't."  
  
"Thank you," Ginny said and shook his hand politely and walked back over to the bench.  
  
"Your turn," she said to Oliver and watched him walk over to a woman.  
  
"Hi there," he tried to say in a sexy-tone.  
  
"What do you want?" the lady asked him, not taking her eyes off the portrait she was looking  
  
at.  
  
"I want you," Oliver replied.  
  
"That's nice."  
  
"Do you have a boyfriend?" Oliver continued.  
  
"No, but I do have pepper spray."  
  
Oliver backed off quickly and proceeded back to the bench.  
  
"Well, women might be better in terms of asking people relationship crap..." Oliver admitted.  
  
"Oh face it, were better at everything," Ginny laughed.  
  
Ginny pushed Harry into a bathroom stall and locked the door. She took off her top quickly  
  
and began to unbutton Harry's shirt.  
  
"God... yes, yes!" Katie said in excitement just by undoing the bottons of Harry's shirt. When  
  
it came off, Ginny began to rub his chest.  
  
Harry, stimulated as could be, took charge, and began kissing Katie's neck as she tried to  
  
unbutton his pants.  
  
"How do you unbutton these things?" Katie asked, frustratingly.  
  
The old woman that had heard Katie talking about lesbians, entered the bathroom and walked  
  
into a stall. She positioned herself inside and locked the door.  
  
As soon as she sat down, a bang came from the other stall–  
  
"Screw me! Screw me!" Katie muttered fiercely as Harry undid her bra.  
  
  
  
The old lady, promptly going to the bathroom, was surprised when another bang came... and  
  
then a series of screams.  
  
  
  
"YES! YES! YES! GOD! RIGHT THERE! YES!"  
  
The old lady jumped off the toilet, pulling up her pants, and flushed the toilet. "Stupid  
  
wankers!" she said loudly.   
  
Hermione and Ron walked over to Ginny and Oliver who were talking.   
  
"This is so damn boring," Ron said. "Hermione made me be her boyfriend, which, might I add,  
  
did not make Katie jealous... so I couldn't check out any of the vulnerable women."  
  
Oliver sighed. "They aren't vulnerable. They are vultures, ready to tear you apart!"  
  
"Really now?" Ron asked. "Was it because of the shirt?"  
  
"Fuck off," Oliver said. "I am ready to go home, where is Harry?"  
  
His question was answered by a slight giggle at the entrance to the room they were in. Katie's  
  
hair was all frizzy, her bra strap showing, and Harry's glasses weren't on straight, not to mention, his  
  
pants were undone.  
  
"What the hell have you been doing?" Ginny asked.  
  
Katie started cracking up. "Sex!"  
  
  
  
They all left the crappy exhibit to go home, and wake up to go to their jobs the next day,  
  
which they really did not want to do– but hey, they made money, so THAT was an upside.  
  
When they reached Harry's apartment, everyone said goodbye and walked to their cars...  
  
some, like Ginny and Hermione had car-pooled.   
  
Katie sat in Harry's car. She looked abashed. "What happens now?" she asked.  
  
Harry looked at her. "It was a one night thing... you didn't expect for me to be committed did  
  
you?"   
  
Katie's jaw dropped. "You self-centered egotistic asshole! I gave up my juices for you, and  
  
that's what you say!?"  
  
Harry smiled... even though it wasn't a smiling situation.  
  
"You told me you were going to screw me anyways!"  
  
"It was to make Ron jealous! I mean– I thought we had a connection!" She opened the car  
  
door and exited the vehicle. "No wonder you can't keep a girlfriend!" she screamed and slammed the  
  
door.  
  
Harry sat in the driver's seat, looking very taken aback. He sat there for a few minutes... not  
  
thinking. But finally, he spoke.  
  
"At least I still have bubbly," he said and took the keys out of the ignition.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
That was Chapter One, Parts 1 and 2! Yeheeheheheh! Chapter Two will come soon, as soon as I know  
  
this story is okay to continue. 


End file.
